Would those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.

They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.