Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals.

It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.

Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself.

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.