Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk.

Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work.

First you're an unknown, then you write one book and you move up to obscurity.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.