No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of his real problems.

The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension, headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke. ... [more]