Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.

It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.