Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals.

No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.

It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.

In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.

Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.