Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals.

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.