Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself.

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals.

Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance.