Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals.

Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself.

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.