I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals.