The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.