Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.