I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, "I wanna grow up and be a critic."

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

I can resist everything except temptation.