In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.

If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Skiing consists of wearing $3,000 worth of clothes and equipment and driving 200 miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and drink.

Say this much for big league baseball - it is beyond question the greatest conversation piece ever invented in America.