I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.

If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.