If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.