I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.

Anybody caught selling macramé in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.