Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.