I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

Skiing consists of wearing $3,000 worth of clothes and equipment and driving 200 miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and drink.

In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.

I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.