It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.