To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep.

-- Joan Klempner
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3336
I Laughed
Author: The Idiot Apr 16, 2008
Views: 1626

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet.

-- Oliver Herford
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3259
I Laughed
Author: The Idiot Apr 16, 2008
Views: 1624

The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was no one on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you," I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.

-- Ellen DeGeneres
Laughs
3363
I Laughed
Author: The Idiot Apr 16, 2008
Views: 7496

I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.

-- Richard Diran
Laughs
3200
I Laughed
Author: The Idiot Apr 16, 2008
Views: 1568

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

-- Mitch Hedberg
Laughs
3229
I Laughed
Author: The Idiot Apr 16, 2008
Views: 1546

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.

-- Samuel Butler
Laughs
3236
I Laughed
Author: The Idiot Apr 16, 2008
Views: 1655