Opening Day Riddle

The Idiot — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 16:12:04 -0700

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game.

They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels into the ball park. The game is really exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely...mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?

Think!

Think some more!!

***

Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded!

Take Thee To A Nunnery

The Idiot — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 14:20:56 -0700

Sitting behind some nuns (whose habits partially blocked their view) at a hockey game, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."

The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana , there are only 50 nuns living there."

The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho , there are only 25 nuns living there."

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm voice said, "Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any nuns there!"

Serious Swimming

The Idiot — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 13:23:06 -0700

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled on shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied,

"I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

Hello Mother, Hello Father

The Idiot — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 12:11:15 -0800

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to.

So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?"

"No." said the boy.

"Why not?" said the judge.

"Because she beats me."

The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father."

"Oh no," cried the boy, "he beats me too."

Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?"

"I want to live with the New York Knicks!"

"Why?" asks the judge.

"They never beat anybody."

Ten O'Clock Tee Time

The Idiot — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 10:56:03 -0800

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said:

"Open your mouth, honey, and show him."

The Gospel According to St. Titleist

The Idiot — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 08:47:11 -0800

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. -Grantland Rice

2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. --John Updike

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. --Robert Lynd

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. --Horace G. Hutchinson

5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. --Gardner Dickinson

6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. --Sam Snead

7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. --William Wordsworth

8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. --Dean Martin

9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. --Tommy Bolt

10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. --Bishop Sheen

11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. --Arnold Palmer

12. My handicap? Woods and irons. --Chris Codiroli

13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. --Pete Dye

14. I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them! --Buddy Hackett

15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. --Billy Graham

16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. --Jack Lemmon

17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. --Mark Twain

18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. --Harry Vardon

19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. --Jimmy DeMaret

20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. --Ben Hogan

21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. -- All Us Hackers

22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. --George Deukmejian

23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think that's music coming out of a bagpipe. --Lee Trevino

Red Sox Nation

The Idiot — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 16:57:09 -0800

Two boys are playing hockey on the pond on Boston Common, when one is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his hockey stick and managed to wedge it down the dog's collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog's neck and stopping its attack.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Bruins Fan Saves friend from Vicious Animal..." he starts writing in his notebook.

"But, I'm not a Bruins Fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again.

"Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific attack..." he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Red Sox fan either!" The boy said.

"I assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins or the Red Sox. So, what team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Yankees fan!" the child beamed. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

"Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Fantasy Island

The Idiot — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 12:29:56 -0800

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years.

One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit....

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."

Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been ten years!"

With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.

Man: "Oh thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"

Man: "It's been ten years"

The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"

Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"

Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"

The Best of Late Night

The Idiot — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 09:46:56 -0800

"Yesterday, there was another Republican debate. This was the first one that Fred Thompson took part in. I don’t’ think Fred understands how these debates work. He went backstage and told the producers, 'I need more lines.'"

-Jay Leno

"Radar magazine is causing a big controversy because the cover of their November issue features a doctored photo of a partially dressed Rudy Giuliani and a totally nude Hillary Clinton. Radar says it’s all part of their plan to sell zero magazines."

-Conan O'Brien

"Kiefer Sutherland has pleaded no contest to his drunk driving charge and will serve 48 days in jail starting in December — 48 days. Or as Paris Hilton calls that, 15 consecutive life sentences."

-Jay Leno

"Ozzie Osbourne is auctioning off some of his personal items. For example, an antique sofa — $800. His medicine cabinet starts at half a million."

-David Letterman

"Elmo was the guest on “The View” this morning. I don’t know what he was promoting . . . the alphabet, I think. I think there’s a new letter coming out."

-Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is day four in Pamela Anderson’s marriage. Bad news for me — I had three days in the office pool."

-David Letterman

"Last night, the New York Yankees were eliminated from the playoffs by the Cleveland Indians. The Yankees are upset because the season is over, and the Indians are upset because they have to go back to Cleveland."

-Conan O'Brien

"In a recent interview, journalist Robert Novak says that in order to get rid of Sen. Larry Craig, the Republican leadership is going to have to “get him in a room, and slap him around.” When he heard this, Craig said, “Don’t say it unless you really mean it.”"

-Conan O'Brien

"Today is Columbus Day. Or, as Native Americans call it, 'Illegal Immigration Day.'"

-Jay Leno

My Little Buttercup

The Idiot — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 12:23:57 -0800

Towards the end of the golf course, Larry hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden ... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.

"Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!!!"

Then POOF! .. she was gone!

After Larry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Henry, where are you?"

Henry yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Larry shouts back, "DON'T SWING, HENRY; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"

The Best of Late Night

The Idiot — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 10:21:45 -0800

"The NFL is investigating whether or not the New England Patriots cheated during last Sunday's game by videotaping the opposing coaches and stealing their hand signals . . . This could turn out to be the worst scandal involving hand signals since Sen. Larry Craig got caught in that men's room."

-Jay Leno

"How about this Chinese lead paint on toys? The have finally agreed to ban the use of lead paint on toys. However, they will continue to use it on sweet and sour chicken."

-David Letterman

"Starbucks is considering adding a line of drinks that appeals to children. All Starbucks has to do now is figure out how to get kids to pay 12 bucks for a juice box."

-Conan O'Brien

"It looks like rapper Kanye West won that contest with 50 Cent. Both their albums came out on Tuesday. Kanye sold more albums, but 50 Cent sold more drugs."

-Jimmy Kimmel

"Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson are now tied neck and neck in national polls. Actually, you know, if they were on the ticket together, that would be a tough team for the Democrats to beat. I mean, if they could just get all their ex-wives to vote for them"

-Jay Leno

"Several Jewish groups are upset because President Bush issued Rosh Hashanah greetings over a week early. So they're saying that Bush doesn't know when Rosh Hashanah is. Bush says he'll make up the mistake by sending them all something nice for Christmas"

-Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday in Australia, a TV comedian dressed himself up over there as Osama Bin Laden and got within feet of Bush's hotel. They got him, and the Bush spokesman said it was obviously not the real Bin Laden because they caught him."

-Bill Maher

"Osama Bin Laden is set to release yet another video tape, ... he makes an appearance once or twice a year to show he's still alive. Kind of like the Rolling Stones."

-Jay Leno

"A New Orleans prostitute has come forward and said she has had sex with married Louisiana Senator David Vitter two or three times a week over a four-month period. This is actually good news for the Republicans. Finally a sex scandal involving a woman."

-Jay Leno

Football Follies

The Idiot — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 09:03:59 -0800

A guy comes home drunk from the bar one night after watching a wonderful night of football. His wife, is of course, sleeping so he tries to sneak into bed. He lies in bed for a few minutes and cuts the biggest fart you've ever heard. His wife suddenly wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

With football fresh in his mind, he replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."

Still in an extremely competitive frame of mind, he thinks, "Alright, I'm gonna fix her, real good." He lies there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. However, he tries so hard he accidentally poops in the bed!

The wife asks, "Now, what in the world was that?"

To which he replies, "Half time, switch sides."

To The Nines

The Idiot — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 18:05:26 -0700

One day, on 9/9/99, a man woke up at 9:09 a.m. in the morning, jumped on Bus #99 and went to his favorite restaurant on 9th Street. When the cashier rang up his order, it totaled $9.99.

"Oh, wow, this is an omen!" the man said, so he bought a pair of cheap binoculars at the 99¢ store, pulled out 99 cents in fares and took Bus #99 to the Race Track. As he approached Gate No. 9, he said to the ticket agent: "I would like to bet $999.99 on Horse No. 9 in the 9th race."

"Why those particular numbers?" the ticket agent asked.

"Nine seems to be my lucky number today," the man said excitedly. "I'm really on a roll!"

Feeling confident, he sat through the first eight races until Race No. 9 came up. Sure enough, he was on a roll.

The horse came in ninth.

Larry's Lamaze Lessons

The Idiot — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 17:37:41 -0700

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room was very quiet. Finally, Larry, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the instructor.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

New Year's Adjustments

The Idiot — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 15:33:25 -0700

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."