Presidential Pontifications

"Bill Clinton's official portrait was unveiled at the White House yesterday. Don't kid yourself, there's already trouble. Yesterday, Clinton's portrait was caught hitting on Dolly Madison's portrait."

—David Letterman

"Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's not the only Bush in free fall."

—David Letterman

"John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'"

—Jay Leno

"I guess the people I feel worst for are Carter and Ford. Because they have to be watching all this thinking, we're not getting that."

—Jon Stewart, on media coverage of Ronald Reagan's death

"There was one kind of embarrassing moment when President Bush was asked if he ever went AWOL and he said, 'No no no, we have EarthLink.'"

—Jay Leno

"Former president Bill Clinton won a Grammy in the spoken word category. If you had told me a year ago that Bill Clinton would be a Grammy winner and that Janet Jackson would be the subject of a government sex investigation ..."

—Jay Leno

"In a recent interview First Lady Laura Bush said that the Janet Jackson breast incident bothered her very much. The first lady said I think it's unfortunate that children and the president had to see that."

—Conan O'Brien

"After failing to win a single state on Tuesday, John Edwards described his campaign as 'The Little Engine That Could.' And afterwards, Bush called him, and said, 'You're not going to believe this but I'm reading that book right now.'"

—Jay Leno

"Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him."

—Jay Leno

"'American Idol' got a record 65 million votes. In fact today, Bush and Kerry started taking singing lessons."

—Jay Leno

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Author: The Idiot Aug 8, 2007
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