My Milkshake Brings All The Boys To The Yard

The Idiot — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:05:38 -0700

"I drink your milkshake!"

-Daniel Plainview, from There Will Be Blood

"I drink your milkshake, even though I opposed drinking your milkshake four years ago."

-Mitt Romney

"I drink your milkshake, but only if the Bible says it`s allowed."

-Mike Huckabee

"I may drink your milkshake for another 100 years, if that`s what it takes."

-John McCain

"I drank a milkshake on 9/11."

-Rudy Giuliani

"I'll drink your milkshake a few months after everyone else does."

-Fred Thompson

"I drink your milkshake, but I`m paying for it with gold."

-Ron Paul

"America deserves a new milkshake."

-Barack Obama

"I will fight the corporations so that you can drink your own milkshake."

-John Edwards

"I have 35 years of milkshake-drinking experience. *sob* "

-Hillary Clinton

"I peacefully drink your milkshake."

-Dennis Kucinich

"It depends on what your definition of "milkshake" is."

-Bill Clinton

"I voted for drinking your milkshake before I voted against it."

-John Kerry

"Global warming is melting your milkshake."

-Al Gore

"We`re making good progress in the war on milkshakes, and make no mistake: we will prevail."

-George W. Bush

The Best of Late Night...

The Idiot — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 15:09:32 -0700

"New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer stepped down yesterday. He apologized. I don't know what he apologized for. I think it's steroids."

-David Letterman

"He's going to be looking for job. And I'm thinking, isn't that what got him in trouble in the first place? What the Spitzers are saying is, they need some time alone. And I thought this was very nice: Sen. Larry Craig offered his vacation restroom on the lake."

-David Letterman

"The identity of New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer's prostitute has been revealed. When asked why she slept with New York's governor, she said, because New Jersey's governor is into guys."

-Conan O'Brien

"She's an R&B singer. She says her latest song is inspired by a guy. She didn't say what guy, but she did say a bald, creepy governor. She says she doesn't want to be thought of as a monster. She said unless of course, someone has $4,000 and they're into role playing.

-Conan O'Brien

"You probably know that The New York Times was able to find that hooker that Spitzer allegedly paid $1,000 an hour for. Her real name is Ashley Dupre, and her MySpace page says her first love is music. Her second love is having sex with governors for money."

-Jimmy Kimmel

"Earlier today, the governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, resigned. In his resignation speech he said, "To whom much has been given, much is expected." Which is the same thing he said to that $5,000-an-hour hooker."

-Jay Leno

"Gov. Eliot Spitzer resigned today. He left his resignation on the night table with a $300 tip. Four out of five New Yorkers wanted him to go. Of course, me and the writers wanted him to stay."

-David Letterman

"Because Eliot Spitzer is resigning as governor of New York, that means Hillary Clinton has lost another super delegate. On the bright side, Bill Clinton has gained a super wingman."

-Conan O'Brien

"That shows you how the whole world is backwards. I mean you've got Democrats, who are supposed to be poor, paying $5,000 an hour for sex, and you've got Republicans, who are supposed to be rich, cruising airport bathrooms trying to get it for free."

-Jay Leno

Top Ten Messages Left On Eliot Spitzer's Answering Machine

10. Hey, what's new?
9. It's Barack Obama. Remember our conversation about being my running mate? Never mind.
8. Ralph Nader here, glad to hear I'm not the only politician who has to pay for it
7. I'm calling from the New York Post. Would you rather be known as "Disgraced Gov. Perv," or "Humiliated Whore Fiend"?
6. This is John McCain, if it makes you feel better, I once got caught having sex with Lincoln's wife
5. It's Dr. Phil, call me if you need any horses advice
4. This is Sen. Larry Craig. Do you ever go through the Minneapolis airport?
3. It's Wolf Blitzer. Call me if you ever want a hot Spitzer-Blitzer three-way
2. Paris Hilton here. I would have done it for free
1. It's Arnold Schwarzenegger. Thanks, I'm no longer America's creepiest governor

-David Letterman

What's Your Business?

The Idiot — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 13:31:19 -0700

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cellphone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required", answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

Three Government Contractors

The Idiot — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 15:59:58 -0700

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that friends, is how it all works!

The Best of Late Night

The Idiot — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:48:04 -0700

"Congratulations to John McCain — the big winner in Florida. He had to win over a whole voter group: Republicans. It was a tough fight for McCain. A lot of voters in Florida are unsure about him. At age 71, McCain is a lot younger than most Florida Republicans, so they don’t trust him."

-Jay Leno

"John Edwards dropped out of the race. He says he wants to spend more time with his haircut."

-David Letterman

"Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy."

-Jay Leno

"Janet Reno has endorsed Hillary Clinton. The endorsement was slightly tainted, however . . . Janet Reno was mentioned in the 'Mitchell Report.'"

-David Letterman

"On the heels of the Florida results, both parties have lost a mainstream candidate. First up, South Carolina's favorite son, well, I guess in the primary there second favorite son. Obama won South Carolina and then there was their favorite daughter Hillary. I guess what I'm saying is, John Edwards turns out to be the Cindy Brady of South Carolina."

-Jon Stewart

"The experts are saying the State of the Union address was very ambitious. President Bush said he plans to introduce dozens of bold, new mispronunciations."

-David Letterman

You know what I thought was interesting? While the president was speaking last night, they had an online translation of the speech in Arabic, Vietnamese, Mandarin Chinese, Farsi and Spanish. So, I guess President Bush really is trying to reach out to the people of California."

-Jay Leno

"It was the annual State of the Union address down in Washington. ... By the way, this is President Bush's last State of the Union address. ... The next State of the Union address will be given by Co-Presidents Bill and Hillary Clinton. You know, that's what everybody is worried about. They say that Bill will actually be calling the shots. ... They will be the co-presidents. And I'm thinking this is going to be tremendous. You know what it is going to be like? It's going to be like Regis and Kelly."

-David Letterman

"President Bush gave his big State of Delusion address. ... In our last year's State of the Union speech, President Bush said, 'The economy is on the move.' This year he said, 'Where'd it go?'"

-Jay Leno

"Faith is playing a big part in this year's election. You have Huckabee, the evangelical guy. See, these fellas get a lot of people concerned about the separation of church and state. Do you know how that came about? Anybody know? See, the separation of church and state was made very clear by our founding fathers. See, what they did is they looked at the Ten Commandments. 'Thou shall not steal. Thou shall not bear false witness. Thou shall not commit adultery.' Then they looked at Congress and realized these two could never come together, we have to separate them"

-Jay Leno

"Have you heard this story? They're trying to pass a bill now that allows politicians to insist that they be addressed by gender- neutral titles. Is that really necessary? I mean, don't we already have gender neutral titles for politicians? 'Crook,' 'liar,' 'adulterer,' 'pinhead,' 'moron,' these are all gender-neutral."

-Jay Leno

Caring With Hair

The Idiot — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:23:39 -0700

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asks about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a ’Thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there are a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning, the barber goes to open up, and there...waiting at his door...

...are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

The Best of Late Night

The Idiot — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 09:46:56 -0800

"Yesterday, there was another Republican debate. This was the first one that Fred Thompson took part in. I don’t’ think Fred understands how these debates work. He went backstage and told the producers, 'I need more lines.'"

-Jay Leno

"Radar magazine is causing a big controversy because the cover of their November issue features a doctored photo of a partially dressed Rudy Giuliani and a totally nude Hillary Clinton. Radar says it’s all part of their plan to sell zero magazines."

-Conan O'Brien

"Kiefer Sutherland has pleaded no contest to his drunk driving charge and will serve 48 days in jail starting in December — 48 days. Or as Paris Hilton calls that, 15 consecutive life sentences."

-Jay Leno

"Ozzie Osbourne is auctioning off some of his personal items. For example, an antique sofa — $800. His medicine cabinet starts at half a million."

-David Letterman

"Elmo was the guest on “The View” this morning. I don’t know what he was promoting . . . the alphabet, I think. I think there’s a new letter coming out."

-Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is day four in Pamela Anderson’s marriage. Bad news for me — I had three days in the office pool."

-David Letterman

"Last night, the New York Yankees were eliminated from the playoffs by the Cleveland Indians. The Yankees are upset because the season is over, and the Indians are upset because they have to go back to Cleveland."

-Conan O'Brien

"In a recent interview, journalist Robert Novak says that in order to get rid of Sen. Larry Craig, the Republican leadership is going to have to “get him in a room, and slap him around.” When he heard this, Craig said, “Don’t say it unless you really mean it.”"

-Conan O'Brien

"Today is Columbus Day. Or, as Native Americans call it, 'Illegal Immigration Day.'"

-Jay Leno

The Best of Late Night

The Idiot — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 10:21:45 -0800

"The NFL is investigating whether or not the New England Patriots cheated during last Sunday's game by videotaping the opposing coaches and stealing their hand signals . . . This could turn out to be the worst scandal involving hand signals since Sen. Larry Craig got caught in that men's room."

-Jay Leno

"How about this Chinese lead paint on toys? The have finally agreed to ban the use of lead paint on toys. However, they will continue to use it on sweet and sour chicken."

-David Letterman

"Starbucks is considering adding a line of drinks that appeals to children. All Starbucks has to do now is figure out how to get kids to pay 12 bucks for a juice box."

-Conan O'Brien

"It looks like rapper Kanye West won that contest with 50 Cent. Both their albums came out on Tuesday. Kanye sold more albums, but 50 Cent sold more drugs."

-Jimmy Kimmel

"Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson are now tied neck and neck in national polls. Actually, you know, if they were on the ticket together, that would be a tough team for the Democrats to beat. I mean, if they could just get all their ex-wives to vote for them"

-Jay Leno

"Several Jewish groups are upset because President Bush issued Rosh Hashanah greetings over a week early. So they're saying that Bush doesn't know when Rosh Hashanah is. Bush says he'll make up the mistake by sending them all something nice for Christmas"

-Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday in Australia, a TV comedian dressed himself up over there as Osama Bin Laden and got within feet of Bush's hotel. They got him, and the Bush spokesman said it was obviously not the real Bin Laden because they caught him."

-Bill Maher

"Osama Bin Laden is set to release yet another video tape, ... he makes an appearance once or twice a year to show he's still alive. Kind of like the Rolling Stones."

-Jay Leno

"A New Orleans prostitute has come forward and said she has had sex with married Louisiana Senator David Vitter two or three times a week over a four-month period. This is actually good news for the Republicans. Finally a sex scandal involving a woman."

-Jay Leno

The Best of Late Night

The Idiot — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 09:45:15 -0800

"Sen. Larry Craig is now rethinking his decision to resign. He says he’s going to talk it over with his wife and the guy in stall No. 3."

-Conan O'Brien

"Senator Craig still insisting he is not gay. ... And today to prove it he went back to the Minneapolis airport and tried to solicit sex in the women's bathroom."

-Jay Leno

"Senator Fred Thompson is on the show tonight, and he says he has something major to announce. In America that can only be one of three things. So he's either pregnant, gay, or running for president."

-Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, Paris Hilton says she plans to catch a husband with her amazing lasagna. So I guess that’s what they’re calling it these days"

-Conan O'Brien

"Scientists in Russia have announced they will send a man to the moon by the year 2025. A defiant President Bush said today, 'not if we get there first.'"

-Jay Leno

"How about that President Bush, he makes that surprise trip to Iraq. Was pretty impressive don't you think? He spent a few quick hours visiting with the troops, and then he left. You know, it was just like his days in the National Guard."

-David Letterman

"Earlier today, Fred Thompson who is a former star of Law & Order, confirmed with his supporters that he is running for president. Afterwards, Thompson promised to solve the crisis in Iraq by the end of the episode."

-Conan O'Brien

"Well, President Bush is upset, very upset that the Iraqi parliament has failed any major legislation since taking office. I guess, of course, on the other hand, it made him feel right at home."

-Jay Leno

The Best of Late Night

The Idiot — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 14:02:36 -0800

"A lot of people are now calling Sen. Larry Craig a hypocrite, because he was a very vocal opponent of same sex marriages. He was against same sex marriages. But to be fair, he has never publicly come out against anonymous gay bathroom sex."

-Jay Leno

"This has to be embarrassing for Republicans. All these gay scandals and they still can’t get any support from Hollywood."

-Jay Leno

"The police report says he tapped his foot, which means 'I want gay sex.' And, also means I'll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again."

-Jimmy Kimmel

"The way I look at it, anyone who spends more than two minutes in an airport men's room is guilty of something."

-David Letterman

"Alberto Gonzales is stepping down, but he can't recall why."

-David Letterman

"Earlier today, after months of scandals and political pressure, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced he's going to resign. Gonzales said, 'There comes a time when a man should resign, and that time for me was last January.'"

-Conan O'Brien

Nicole Richie went to jail for her DUI conviction this weekend, but she only had to spend 82 minutes in prison. This is due to California's new “minute-per-pound” rule.

-Conan O'Brien

Good news: The Paris Hilton sex tape is being re-released with an hour of previously unseen footage. Fans say thanks to the extra hour, the plot finally makes sense.

-Conan O'Brien

"I guess it's no wonder that a poll out this summer put 'None of the Above' over all of the other Republican candidates. And if 'None of the Above' does get the Republican nomination, you know two things will happen: a) the Democrats will find a way to lose to him, and b) Bush will try to call and congratulate him."

-Bill Maher

"One of the president's daughters, the lovely Jenna Bush, is getting married. Now they're thinking, if they can just marry off Condoleezza Rice. Yea, it looks pretty good that Jenna's getting married, but first the guy has to be confirmed by Congress. ... It's going to be an expensive wedding. I guess it's no surprise, the $3 billion contract went to Halliburton."

-David Letterman

Biblical Signs

The Idiot — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 13:30:57 -0800

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Hey there! Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "HEY THERE! Aren't you Moses???"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am."

George W., a bit peeved at this point then asked, "Why the cold shoulder?"

To which Moses replied, "The last time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the wilderness."

Planes, Trains and Politicians

The Idiot — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 13:51:16 -0700

A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble...

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa. Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map
and Florida is a very thin state!"

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates
to save time.

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She Needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast,
and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said,"No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the Airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it Be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said,"Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" Replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, Ma'am,
I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

Fourth of July Groaners - Part Two

The Idiot — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 11:04:27 -0700

What would you get if you crossed Jon with the English king in 1776?
King George the Nerd!

What dance was very popular in 1776?
Indepen-dance!

Which one of Washington's officers had the best sense of humor?
Laughayette!

What is a hungry boys favorite picnic event?
The snack race!

"How was the food at the Fourth of July picnic?
"The hot dogs were bad and the brats were wurst!"

What did Washington say as he crossed the Delaware?
"Next time I'm going to reserve a seat!"

Teacher: "Why did Washington chop down the cherry tree with his hatchet?"
Student: "Because his mom wouldn't let him play with the chain saw!"

Teacher: "The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia. True or false?"
Student: "False! It was written in ink!"

Why did Washington win the battle of Trenton?
Because the enemy soldiers were Hessian around!

What would you get if you crossed a monster with one of Washington's officers?
Baron von Steupid!

What has four legs, a shiny nose, and fought for England?
Rudolph the Redcoat Reindeer!

What march would you play at a jungle parade?
"Tarzan Stripes Forever"!

What would you get if you crossed a monster with a redcoat?
A bigger target.

Why did the British soldiers wear red coats?
So they could hide in the tomatoes.

Why is the Liberty Bell like a dropped Easter egg?
Because they're both cracked!

Teacher: "Who wrote `Oh say, can you see?"'
Student: "An eye doctor?"

How is a healthy person like the United States?
They both have good constitutions!

What would you get if you crossed Patrick Henry with a hungry boy?
A patriot who says, "Give me lasagne or give me death!"

What has feathers, webbed feet, and certain inalienable rights?
The Ducklaration of Independence!

Why did the duck say "Bang!"?
Because he was a firequacker!

What cat said, "The British are coming! The British are coming!"?
Paw Revere.

What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War?
The Battle of Bonkers Hill.

What was Thomas Jefferson's favourite dessert?
Monti jello!

Teacher: "Which son of old Virginia wrote the Declaration of Independence?"
Student: "I think it was Thomas Jeffer's son."

What did King George think of the American colonists?
He thought they were revolting!

Why were the early American settlers like ants?
Because they lived in colonies.

What famous pig signed the Declaration of Independence?
John Hamcock!

What did George Washington say to his army at Valley Forge?
"Sorry, men. The flights to Florida are all booked up!"

What would you get if you crossed the American national bird with Snoopy?
A bald beagle!

What would you get if you crossed a colonial hairpiece with a teepee?
A powdered wigwam!

What's red, white, blue, and green?
A patriotic pickle!

What did the visitor say as he left the Statue of Liberty?
"Keep in torch!"

What's big, cracked, and carries your luggage?
The Liberty Bellhop!

What ghost haunted King George III?
The spirit of '76!

Did you hear about the cartoonist in the Continental Army?
He was a Yankee doodler!

What would you get if you crossed a monster with Yankee Doodle?
Yankee Doofus!

What's red, white, blue and green?
A seasick Uncle Sam!

Fourth of July Groaners - Part One

The Idiot — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 10:58:01 -0700

What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!

What did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride?
"I gotta get a softer saddle!"

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!

What do you call a parade of German mercenaries?
A Hessian procession!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!

What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!

What's red, white, blue, and almost as ugly as a dog?
A revolutionary warthog!

What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!

What's red, white, black and blue?
Uncle Sam falling down the steps!

Where did George Washington buy his hatchet?
At the chopping mall!

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
Liberty!

What was General Washington's favourite tree?
The infantry!

Which colonists told the most jokes?
Punsylvanians!

What would you get if you crossed Washington's home with nasty insects?
Mt. Vermin!

What did a patriot put on his dry skin?
Revo-lotion!

What would you get if you crossed a dog with the Father of Our Country?
George Washingtongue!

Who is a dogs favourite Founding Father?
Bone Franklin!

Tempting Terrorism

The Idiot — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 13:24:01 -0700

Uncle Sam and Osama decided to settle the whole war with a dogfight. They would each have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog and whoever's dog won would dominate the world.

Osama found the meanest Doberman females in the world and bred them with the meanest wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog ever.

When the day came for the big dogfight, Uncle Sam showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9-foot long Dachshund. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over toward Osama's dog.

Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dog--but when it got close to the American dog, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and ate Osama's dog whole!

Osama replied, "We don't understand how this could have happened, we had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest dogs and the meanest wolves!"

Uncle Sam said, “That’s nothing, we had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."