What is a Kiss?

The Idiot — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 11:27:14 -0800

Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.

Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I’m not familiar with that term.

Final Exams -- From Children...

The Idiot — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 14:20:48 -0700

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead
sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? e.g.abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the Borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity
contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one.)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Final Exams

The Idiot — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 14:15:31 -0700

One night Jack Evans, along with his 3 university friends went out drinkinig till late night, as many college students are prone to do, and didn't study for their test, which, of course, was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.

They went up to the dean and explained that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst. They continued to explain how they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

The dean, being a compassionate human being said that they could take the test after 3 days. The students graciously replied that they'd be ready by that time.

On the third day, they appeared before the dean. The dean explained that since this was a special test all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the duration of the exam.

They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. The test consisted of 5 questions with total of 100 points:

MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION

INSTRUCTIONS :
All questions are required. Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.

Q.1. Write down your name. ----- (2 POINTS)
Q.2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the wedding you attended. ----- (30 POINTS)
Q.3. What type of a car were you driving? ------(20 POINTS)
Q.4. Which tire burst? ------- (28 POINTS)
Q.5. Who was driving? ------ (20 POINTS)

What is 1 + 2?

The Idiot — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:36:20 -0700

Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures, you'll find that it's reasonably in line with government predictions.

Physicist: I won't tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.

Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.

A Naked Man

The Idiot — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:36:21 -0700

A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man.

As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis.

The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."

She replied, "What other way?"

A Hockey Game And A High School Reunion

The Idiot — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:36:21 -0700

Q: What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?

A: At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

Prepositions

The Idiot — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:36:21 -0700

A high school senior was inspecting Harvard University, where he hoped to attend the following autumn.

As he was walking across the Quad, he stopped a distinguished-looking man and asked, "Sir, can you please tell me where your library is at?"

The man looked down his nose and replied, "Son, I'm head of the English department, and I can assure you we don't end our sentences with prepositions. Re-cast your sentence in a proper form and I will reply."

"Can you tell me where your library is at, jerk off?"

Expands Six Times

The Idiot — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:36:21 -0700

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions."

Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!"

She sat down, red-faced.

"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin.

"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.

"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"

PreMed Physics

The Idiot — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:36:21 -0700

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept.

A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.

"So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.

Pleasure Is Mental

The Idiot — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:36:21 -0700

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.

He says, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."

One student stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how to screw, or I don't know how to poo."

College Dorm

The Idiot — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:36:21 -0700

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

Teaching

The Idiot — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:36:21 -0700

The teacher had given the class an assignment.

He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).

A smart-ass student pipes up, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds, "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

Fines

The Idiot — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:36:21 -0700

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

Questions During The Exam

The Idiot — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:36:21 -0700

Should you have any questions during the exam, just raise your hand.

This should cause enough blood to flow to your brain to answer it yourself.

Graduate Students

The Idiot — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:36:21 -0700

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?

"Why does it work?"

What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask?

"How does it work?"

What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask?

"How much will it cost?"

What does a graduate student with a liberal arts degree ask?

"Do you want fries with that?"