The Best of Late Night...

"In case you forgot, taxes are due next week. You know, we all hate paying taxes, but the truth of the matter is without our tax money, many politicians would not be able to afford prostitutes."

-Jimmy Kimmel

"At a campaign rally in North Dakota, Barack Obama received a hockey stick as a gift from the University of North Dakota ice hockey team. Well, you thought he was a bad bowler."

-Jay Leno

"It's becoming a very controversial Olympics, and it's still months away. Here's the latest: Canada just announced it may boycott this year's Summer Olympics because of China's treatment of Tibet. Yeah, Canada may boycott. When asked about the boycott, Canada's prime minister said, 'I'm very angry at China. Plus, we suck at summer sports.'"

-Conan O'Brien

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is now denying that she's interested in being John McCain's vice presidential nominee. She says she doesn't want the job. She believes McCain is a great leader, but she has no training as a registered nurse. So, consequently, she would not be able to assist in any way."

-Jay Leno

"The Pope announced that during his visit to New York City this month, he will visit a synagogue. The Pope's going to visit a synagogue. When asked why, the Pope said, 'I want to perform for a crowd that hasn't heard my material before.'"

-Conan O'Brien

"Penn was kicked off her campaign for promising Colombian officials that he would help them get a trade agreement that Hillary opposes. Did you hear his excuse? Hillary wasn't buying it. He said he misspoke. He was sleep-deprived."

-Jay Leno

"Slightly sad. Over the weekend, America lost one of it's greatest heroes, Charlton Heston. ... Charlton, or 'Chuckles' as he specifically asked me not to call him, was one of the last great Hollywood stars. He had it all -- perfect teeth, manly jaw, epic thighs. He was like Ronald Reagan, if Reagan had been an actor."

-Stephen Colbert

"According to a new poll that just came out -- this is hard to believe -- 81% of Americans think the country is on the wrong track. 81%. The other 19% own gas stations."

-Conan O'Brien

"After Governor Bill Richardson switched his support from Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama last week, an angry Bill Clinton said, 'Five times to my face he said he would never do that.' Wow, so he looked you right in the face and lied to you. What's that like?"

-Seth Meyers

"I feel for John McCain. He has a tough road to hoe now. He's trying to distance himself from George Bush. First off, by completing sentences with punctuation."

-Bill Maher

"The Olympic Torch arrived in Beijing Monday, where it immediately suffered an asthma attack and died."

-Amy Poehler

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Author: The Idiot Apr 28, 2008
Views: 108426