"The mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick, has been charged with perjury after he got caught sending his chief of staff text messages about having sex. Yeah. He's also being investigated for having strippers at the mayor's mansion. And, of course, people are shocked. Detroit has a mayor's mansion?"

-Jay Leno

"I want to clarify something. Ringling Brothers is a three-ring circus. Governor and Mrs. McGreevey are a three-way circus."

-David Letterman

"No, Hillary now says that she just made an honest mistake when she said she had to duck sniper fire in Bosnia. There was no hostile fire of any kind. Although, ironically, while she was away, Bill Clinton did see some action. Do you think this is a big deal? See, all candidates exaggerate. Remember when McCain ran in 2000? Remember that? He had to retract a claim that he had been under cannon fire from the Confederates."

-Jay Leno

"Tragic news today — Herb Peterson passed away. He was the creator of the Egg McMuffin. He was 89. He said the secret to a long life was to never eat Egg McMuffins. He was buried in a paper sack, beside a hash brown."

-Jimmy Kimmel

"MSNBC is saying that there’s a chance that John McCain would pick Condoleezza Rice as his vice president. That’s a perfectly balanced ticket: he’s white, she’s black; he’s a man, she’s a woman; he’s always steamed, she’s rice . . ."

-Jay Leno

Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much NCAA Basketball

10. At dinner party, you make guests tip off for every pork chop
9. You got a tattoo of Jim Nantz where a tattoo of Jim Nantz shouldn't be
8. You name your child "Gonzaga"
7. Just checked into rehab to kick $500-a-day nacho cheese addiction
6. Got a 35-second shot clock in your bedroom — it's an oldie but a goodie, folks
5. Constantly asking, "What would Michigan State coach Tom Izzo do?"
4. Snack plus lack of activity equals sweet sixteen chins
3. You're so caught up in basketball, you don't even care that "The Hills" Audrina is about to go on her first date since breaking up with Justin Bobby
2. Kick everyone's ass in Scrabble by putting "Krzyzewski" on triple word score
1. You'll watch anything leathery and orange on CBS — even Letterman

-David Letterman

"Not such a great day for Hillary Clinton. Been caught telling a lie. Said when she landed in Bosnia 12 years ago, she was dodging bullets. Comedian Sinbad broke the story. Nothing says great journalism to me like the co-star of “Jingle all the Way.” Sinbad went on a trip to Bosnia with Sheryl Crow and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like a Movie of the Week on Lifetime or something. “Can a standup comedian, a woman rocker, and a tough drill-sergeant heal the war-torn Balkans?"

-Craig Ferguson

"Hollywood news: Pamela Andersen got an annulment from her marriage. You have to hope things will work out better for whoever she marries next month."

-David Letterman

"People magazine has published the first pictures of Jennifer Lopez’s twins. I got all excited and went out and bought the magazine . . . and it’s pictures of her children! Not what I expected at all."

-Craig Ferguson

"Sen. Larry Craig did not sign up for re-election. He’s not going to run for office again . . . Don’t let the stall door hit you on the way out, Larry."

-David Letterman

"Yesterday, kids all over America spent the day looking for Easter eggs. Today, parents in New York at Bear Stearns spent the day trying to find their nest eggs."

-Jay Leno