"Yesterday, presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said that he won’t stay in the race beyond reason. Then Huckabee announced he’s dropping out six weeks ago."

-Conan O'Brien

"Katie Holmes may be pregnant! That’s the scuttlebutt around Hollywood. Tom Cruise says he wants a boy. He doesn’t care what sex the baby is . . . he really wants a boy."

-Craig Ferguson

"In a press conference today, President Bush announced that America is not headed into a recession. Especially if you own an oil company. It will be great for you."

-Jay Leno

"Los Angeles’ tap water was voted the tastiest in the United States. Fine. I like New York City tap water. I like that you can blow the head off it."

-David Letterman

"Happy Leap Year! When President Bush heard that he said 'Remember to turn your clocks ahead one year people!'"

-Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton won do-or-die primaries in Ohio, Rhode Island, and Texas. A lot of people thought she would be done today; this would be it. But like Bill always says, 'Hillary does not go down without a fight.'"

-Jimmy Kimmel

"Everyone’s trying to figure out what happened at the primaries. Here it is: Barack Obama had the most delegates; Hillary Clinton had the most superdelegates; and John McCain had the most problem going to the bathroom."

-Craig Ferguson