The Best of Late Night

"Newsweek estimates that Bill Clinton made between 10 and 15 million dollars last year for speaking engagements. That explains why Hillary never speaks to him anymore — she can’t afford it."

-Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, the nation's youth do not have as much faith in the federal government being able to help them in their future. Fifty percent of the young people polled said they felt the federal government would get in their way of their goals and their ambitions. The other 50 percent said they had no goals or ambitions and hoped to work for the Federal government."

-Jay Leno

"While our writers were gone, Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama all declared their support for the writers strike. Meanwhile, President Bush announced he's in favor of a 'readers' strike.'"

-Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama is now considered the front-runner. You know what they say, behind every successful man is a woman. Hillary was surprised to find out that it was her."

-Jay Leno

"It’s Valentine’s Day. So if you’re watching this show right now, I guess things didn’t go very well."

-Conan O'Brien

Bad news for Roger Clemens. Today he tested positive for B.S.

-Jay Leno

"Earlier this week at the Westminster Dog Show, a dog named Uno became the first beagle ever to win Best In Show. To celebrate, the beagle says he plans to drink out of the toilet and party with some bitches."

-Conan O'Brien

"A woman in California is being studied because she says she remembers everything from the last 12 years. And I’m thinking, 'Wait a minute — isn’t that every woman?'"

-David Letterman

This has not been a good week for Hillary. I guess Bill bought her a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day . . . turns out seven of the roses have committed to Michelle Obama.

-Jay Leno

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Author: The Idiot Apr 16, 2008
Views: 10802