The Best of Late Night

"How about those commercials during the Super Bowl? There was one called “My Talking Stain.” Sounds like Bill Clinton’s worst nightmare."

-Jay Leno

"I never realized how brutal the Super Bowl can be. Guys hobbling around, straining their muscles, taking tons of painkillers — and that was just Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers."

-Craig Ferguson

"How about that Mitt Romney? He looks like the guy that would approve your check at a supermarket. He looks like the piano player in an upscale department store. He looks like a guy who winks when he shakes your hand. He looks like the guy who is married to an over-the-hill actress."

-David Letterman

"You know what's interesting? Even though McCain is the frontrunner tomorrow in the big Super Duper Tuesday thing, the other GOP candidates still sniping at each other. You've been following this? Romney wants Huckabee to quit. Some think McCain is too liberal. Others think Romney is too conservative. Remember the good old days when the Republican Party was united against the poor? What happened?"

-Jay Leno

"Today is Super Tuesday. It’s also Fat Tuesday. Happy Super Fat Tuesday to everyone!"

-Jimmy Kimmel

Top Ten Ways To Make Super Tuesday More Exciting
10. Pull the level and a delicious Milky Way bar comes out
9. One lucky voter wins a romantic Bahamas getaway with Mitt Romney
8. Add a Showcase Showdown
7. Postpone it 24 hours so you can rename it Super Hump Day
6. Replace Mike Huckabee with his cousin Huck Mikeabee
5. Ballot-countin' monkeys
4. Eat poopy
3. Halftime entertainment by Dennis Kucinich
2. Invite Sean Young to appear at victory speech
1. Put a Manning on the ballot

-David Letterman

"A company here in Los Angeles is making dolls of all these current political figures. ... They're not like normal dolls where you pull the string and the dolls talk. These are a little different. These, you have to make a large donation to their campaign and then the dolls will say and do whatever you want."

-Jay Leno

"But, by God, I wish that John McCain a great deal of luck. I'm telling you, at my age, I'm just happy to see a president who's older than I am, you know what I mean?"

-David Letterman

"All the candidates are out there stumping like it's November. Do you know why campaigns call it stumping? Anybody know? You know where it comes from? It's interesting. It's called stumping because when you ask them, 'When are we getting out of Iraq,' they're stumped. 'How about health care?' They're stumped. 'The economy?' Stumped."

-Jay Leno

"In a recent speech, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said that if Republicans want to win, they have to be more like him. I think it’s working — today Mitt Romney gave a speech with a dozen walnuts in his mouth."

-Conan O'Brien

"Contrary to what the news says, Miami Heat center Shaquille O’Neil hasn’t been traded to the Phoenix Suns. He’s actually been traded to the sun. In exchange, the earth will receive two moons and a dwarf star to be named later."

-Jimmy Kimmel

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Author: The Idiot Apr 15, 2008
Views: 9912