The Best of Late Night

"Congratulations to John McCain — the big winner in Florida. He had to win over a whole voter group: Republicans. It was a tough fight for McCain. A lot of voters in Florida are unsure about him. At age 71, McCain is a lot younger than most Florida Republicans, so they don’t trust him."

-Jay Leno

"John Edwards dropped out of the race. He says he wants to spend more time with his haircut."

-David Letterman

"Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy."

-Jay Leno

"Janet Reno has endorsed Hillary Clinton. The endorsement was slightly tainted, however . . . Janet Reno was mentioned in the 'Mitchell Report.'"

-David Letterman

"On the heels of the Florida results, both parties have lost a mainstream candidate. First up, South Carolina's favorite son, well, I guess in the primary there second favorite son. Obama won South Carolina and then there was their favorite daughter Hillary. I guess what I'm saying is, John Edwards turns out to be the Cindy Brady of South Carolina."

-Jon Stewart

"The experts are saying the State of the Union address was very ambitious. President Bush said he plans to introduce dozens of bold, new mispronunciations."

-David Letterman

You know what I thought was interesting? While the president was speaking last night, they had an online translation of the speech in Arabic, Vietnamese, Mandarin Chinese, Farsi and Spanish. So, I guess President Bush really is trying to reach out to the people of California."

-Jay Leno

"It was the annual State of the Union address down in Washington. ... By the way, this is President Bush's last State of the Union address. ... The next State of the Union address will be given by Co-Presidents Bill and Hillary Clinton. You know, that's what everybody is worried about. They say that Bill will actually be calling the shots. ... They will be the co-presidents. And I'm thinking this is going to be tremendous. You know what it is going to be like? It's going to be like Regis and Kelly."

-David Letterman

"President Bush gave his big State of Delusion address. ... In our last year's State of the Union speech, President Bush said, 'The economy is on the move.' This year he said, 'Where'd it go?'"

-Jay Leno

"Faith is playing a big part in this year's election. You have Huckabee, the evangelical guy. See, these fellas get a lot of people concerned about the separation of church and state. Do you know how that came about? Anybody know? See, the separation of church and state was made very clear by our founding fathers. See, what they did is they looked at the Ten Commandments. 'Thou shall not steal. Thou shall not bear false witness. Thou shall not commit adultery.' Then they looked at Congress and realized these two could never come together, we have to separate them"

-Jay Leno

"Have you heard this story? They're trying to pass a bill now that allows politicians to insist that they be addressed by gender- neutral titles. Is that really necessary? I mean, don't we already have gender neutral titles for politicians? 'Crook,' 'liar,' 'adulterer,' 'pinhead,' 'moron,' these are all gender-neutral."

-Jay Leno

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Author: The Idiot Apr 15, 2008
Views: 14549