The Best Of Late Night

"Britney Spears showed up at the court house in a short black cocktail dress, for her custody hearing today, but left before the hearing even started. She said, 'This club sucks — let’s get out of here.'"

-Jimmy Kimmel

"Her friend Paris Hilton is strongly in Britney’s corner. Paris said, 'I wish everyone would just leave her alone. She’s a great mother. I wish the best for her.' I want to be sure I heard that right. She is? Maybe compared to your mother."

-Jimmy Kimmel

"It’s so cold, that Cloverfield monster? He changed his mind and attacked Miami."

-David Letterman

"What a cold day. It was so cold, I saw a flasher on Hollywood Boulevard wearing a sign on his raincoat saying, 'Objects May Be Smaller Than They Appear.'"

-Jay Leno

"Everyone’s worried about the economy. Don’t worry — George W. Bush is going to give it a shot in the arm. If that doesn’t work, Dick Cheney’s going to give it a shot in the face."

-David Letterman

Top Ten George W. Bush Ideas For Stimulating the Economy

10. Send troops to invade U.S. Mint
9. Oprah gives everybody a new car
8. Turn Grand Canyon into a giant national "Have a penny, leave a penny" jar
7. Cheney threatens to shoot Treasury secretary in the face
6. Plans to fix economy in third term
5. Replace Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke with briefcase babes from "Deal or No Deal"
4. Send elite team of economists to rob Mick Jagger's apartment
3. Ahhh somebody help . . . Cloverfield monster . . . Run for your lives!
2. Maybe not spending a billion dollars a month in Iraq?
1. Forget the economy why doesn't someone try stimulating Condoleezza?

-David Letterman

"Today was a big day in Hollywood. Academy Awards were announced. A lot of Oscar buzz for 'No Country for Old Men.' That’s also John McCain’s campaign slogan. Another Oscar nod for 'There Will Be Blood,' a story of a ruthless oil tycoon . . . or as Dick Cheney calls it, 'The greatest movie of all time.'"

-Jay Leno

Laughs
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I Laughed
Author: The Idiot Apr 14, 2008
Views: 8536