The Best of Late Night

"While he was in the Saudi Arabia, President Bush met with the Saudi crown Prince Abdullah. See, he’s not really good at these social situations. He kept asking the prince about his sister Paula Abdullah."

-Jay Leno

"They’re building a New Yankees stadium here. And the progress is really fast. There’s a good reason for it: The workers are taking the same stuff the players are."

-David Letterman

"David Spade is having a baby with a Playboy playmate. Miss March. In a few months, she’ll be sporting a tiny, whiny, crying thing around . . . then the baby will be born, and she’ll move on."

-Craig Ferguson

"If I seem like I’m off my game tonight, I want you to know it has nothing to do with the fact that I spent last weekend with Jessica Simpson."

-Jimmy Kimmel

"It looks like the Democratic field has really narrowed down. It’s going to be a black man or a white woman. A black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life."

-Jay Leno

"“American Idol” premiered last night. Apparently, it was the lowest rated premier in four years. Only 85 billion people watched last night. I like the bad singers better than the good ones. Especially the crazy ones. I was thinking I would like to see a whole show with nothing but crazy people being insulted by judges. And then I remembered that’s already a show, called “Judge Judy.”"

-Jimmy Kimmel

"The Michigan primary is tonight. And then there's the big Democratic debate in Las Vegas. But of course, the biggest story: American Idol is back on the air. More Americans will participate in “American Idol” than in the election of our next president. It’s true. And they’ll be happier about the result."

-Conan O'Brien

"It’s a great day for Oprah Winfrey. She’s getting her own TV network. It’s going to be called Oprah Winfrey Network, or OWN. Which is appropriate: She owns everything. The network will start small, then it will expand, it will get really good, then it will get small again then large, then small."

-Craig Ferguson

"President Bush is visiting our good friends in Saudi Arabia. Today President Bush said the Saudis are fully enlisted in the war on terror. Yeah — so fully, they’re on both sides."

-Jay Leno

"Because of the writers’ strike, the Golden Globes had to be cut down from three hours to one hour. And the winner is? The American public."

-David Letterman

"Congratulations to Nicole Ritchie. She gave birth to a daughter over the weekend. She weighed 6 pounds, 8 ounces. I don’t know how much the kid weighed."

-Craig Ferguson

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Author: The Idiot Apr 14, 2008
Views: 8014