The Best of Late Night

"The writers are going on strike on Monday. ... They are calling this the toughest time for comedy writing since those three weeks back in the '90s when Bill Clinton stopped dating."

-Jay Leno

"There was yet another closeted gay Republican in the news. A state representative from the state of Washington got caught paying for sex at an adult book store while he was on a legislative retreat. Is that what they're calling it now? ... He was dressed as a woman in red stockings and a black sequin lingerie top. Or, as Rudy Giuliani calls it, Casual Friday."

-Bill Maher

"Here's the kind of thing that makes this country great. A guy in Tennessee was in a food eating competition. ... He wins the competition. He ate 103 hamburgers in eight minutes. ... But you think about it, this has been a hell of a year for Al Gore. One thing after another."

-David Letterman

"During the Democratic debate Tuesday night, Senator Joe Biden criticized Republican candidate Rudy Giuliani, saying, 'There's only three things he mentions in a sentence -- a noun, a verb, and 9/11.' Giuliani later responded, saying, 'Joe Biden sucks 9/11.'"

-Seth Meyers

"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich has a new platform -- live long and prosper. Did you here about this? Dennis Kucinich admitted during the debates the other night that he had seen a UFO up close. See, Dennis Kucinich doesn't seem like the type of guy who would see a UFO, he seems like the kind of guy you'd see coming out of a UFO."

-Jay Leno

"Tensions are very high between Iraq and Turkey. See, this is where President Bush, I don't think he understands these issues. Like today, he warned the American people we could be in for a rough Thanksgiving."

-Jay Leno

"Last night the New Jersey Devils played their first home game in the new $380 million stadium. Newark residents say the new arena is classy place to get shot outside of."

-Conan O'Brien

"The Atlanta International Airport is now considering shorter flushes in its bathrooms to help cope with the drought. Shorter flushes on their toilets. Or as Sen. Larry Craig calls that, speed dating."

-Jay Leno

Democratic debate last night. Tough night for Bill Richardson. During the entire debate, the only question Tim Russert asked was, “. . . And you are?

-David Letterman

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Author: The Idiot Jan 30, 2008
Views: 5338