"Yesterday, there was another Republican debate. This was the first one that Fred Thompson took part in. I don’t’ think Fred understands how these debates work. He went backstage and told the producers, 'I need more lines.'"

-Jay Leno

"Radar magazine is causing a big controversy because the cover of their November issue features a doctored photo of a partially dressed Rudy Giuliani and a totally nude Hillary Clinton. Radar says it’s all part of their plan to sell zero magazines."

-Conan O'Brien

"Kiefer Sutherland has pleaded no contest to his drunk driving charge and will serve 48 days in jail starting in December — 48 days. Or as Paris Hilton calls that, 15 consecutive life sentences."

-Jay Leno

"Ozzie Osbourne is auctioning off some of his personal items. For example, an antique sofa — $800. His medicine cabinet starts at half a million."

-David Letterman

"Elmo was the guest on “The View” this morning. I don’t know what he was promoting . . . the alphabet, I think. I think there’s a new letter coming out."

-Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is day four in Pamela Anderson’s marriage. Bad news for me — I had three days in the office pool."

-David Letterman

"Last night, the New York Yankees were eliminated from the playoffs by the Cleveland Indians. The Yankees are upset because the season is over, and the Indians are upset because they have to go back to Cleveland."

-Conan O'Brien

"In a recent interview, journalist Robert Novak says that in order to get rid of Sen. Larry Craig, the Republican leadership is going to have to “get him in a room, and slap him around.” When he heard this, Craig said, “Don’t say it unless you really mean it.”"

-Conan O'Brien

"Today is Columbus Day. Or, as Native Americans call it, 'Illegal Immigration Day.'"

-Jay Leno