The Best of Late Night

"The NFL is investigating whether or not the New England Patriots cheated during last Sunday's game by videotaping the opposing coaches and stealing their hand signals . . . This could turn out to be the worst scandal involving hand signals since Sen. Larry Craig got caught in that men's room."

-Jay Leno

"How about this Chinese lead paint on toys? The have finally agreed to ban the use of lead paint on toys. However, they will continue to use it on sweet and sour chicken."

-David Letterman

"Starbucks is considering adding a line of drinks that appeals to children. All Starbucks has to do now is figure out how to get kids to pay 12 bucks for a juice box."

-Conan O'Brien

"It looks like rapper Kanye West won that contest with 50 Cent. Both their albums came out on Tuesday. Kanye sold more albums, but 50 Cent sold more drugs."

-Jimmy Kimmel

"Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson are now tied neck and neck in national polls. Actually, you know, if they were on the ticket together, that would be a tough team for the Democrats to beat. I mean, if they could just get all their ex-wives to vote for them"

-Jay Leno

"Several Jewish groups are upset because President Bush issued Rosh Hashanah greetings over a week early. So they're saying that Bush doesn't know when Rosh Hashanah is. Bush says he'll make up the mistake by sending them all something nice for Christmas"

-Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday in Australia, a TV comedian dressed himself up over there as Osama Bin Laden and got within feet of Bush's hotel. They got him, and the Bush spokesman said it was obviously not the real Bin Laden because they caught him."

-Bill Maher

"Osama Bin Laden is set to release yet another video tape, ... he makes an appearance once or twice a year to show he's still alive. Kind of like the Rolling Stones."

-Jay Leno

"A New Orleans prostitute has come forward and said she has had sex with married Louisiana Senator David Vitter two or three times a week over a four-month period. This is actually good news for the Republicans. Finally a sex scandal involving a woman."

-Jay Leno

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Author: The Idiot Jan 22, 2008
Views: 15159