The Best of Late Night...

"Last night the 10 Republican presidential candidates held their debate on Fox News. Now, normally I don’t make predictions, but I’m going out on a limb and say I feel the debate was won by the rich white guy."

-Jay Leno

"They answered some tough questions. Rudy Giuliani had to answer for his position on abortion. John McCain had to answer for his support of immigration reform. And Mike Huckabee had to answer the question, 'Who are you again?'"

-Jay Leno

"Paris’ mother prepared a statement for Barbara Walters to read. Paris Hilton is still scheduled to go to jail on June 5. Public support for her cause continues to hover around zero percent."

-Jimmy Kimmel

"In New York City, they’re trying to pass a law that would require strippers to pay taxes on the money they earn for lap dances. This law is for every guy who has said, 'This lap dance is great, but I wish there was something to fix potholes and build schools.'"

-Conan O'Brien

"Miami was voted the worst road rage state. You have 20 [year olds] doing 95, and 95 [year olds] doing 20, that’s why."

-Craig Ferguson

" In a new interview, actress Ellen Barkin says that when she’s dating a new guy, she likes to have sex before dinner to see if it’s worth going to dinner. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley says that when she’s dating a new guy, she likes to have dinner before dinner."

-Conan O'Brien

"The price of gasoline passed four dollars a gallon in California. Gas is so expensive now a lot of people are only planning summer trips within walking distance from their homes."

-Jay Leno

"President Bush was busy over the weekend. In Virginia he attended some big event, and I guess he got up at one point on the spur of the moment and he conducted a 400-piece orchestra. Apparently, it was the first time ever a 400-piece orchestra has ever played 'The Wheels on the Bus.' "

-Conan O'Brien

"Not such a great day for Donald Trump. NBC has canceled "The Apprentice.” You just know all those NBC executives were fighting over who got to say, 'You’re fired.'"

-Craig Ferguson

"Paris Hilton is going to jail. I’ve been thinking about this, and I think, 'Paris, being in jail isn’t going to be that bad. It’ll give you plenty of time to read . . . well, it’ll give you plenty of time to write . . . and . . .oh no, you’re in trouble Paris.'"

-David Letterman

"As of July 1, Allstate Insurance Company will stop selling new policies to homeowners in California because we have too many disasters. They shouldn’t have the right to call themselves "Allstate." Maybe they should change their name to 'Some-states.' "

-Jay Leno

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Author: The Idiot Aug 6, 2007
Views: 4655