Stages Of Love

By Robert Najemy

Love is like the gold ore that is brought up from the earth; it is mixed with other metals (emotions, needs, and fears). Our job is to purify that gold as we seek to love unconditionally in all of our relationships, regardless of the others’ behaviors. Only then we will be truly happy.

The accompanying diagram will help us understand the various levels of love in our lives.

1. On the first level, we "love" the other because he or she offers us security. If he or she stops offering us this security or starts offering it to others, we are very likely to feel hurt, angry and jealous. Thus, our love is based on the condition of this specific agreement that the other will provide us the feeling of security. When we say to this person, "I love you," what we actually mean is, "I need you in order to feel secure. I feel insecure without you."

2. At the second level, we "love" the other because he or she provides us with various forms of pleasure, comfort or satisfaction. If he or she stops providing these pleasures to us or offers them to others, we lose our feelings of "love" and often feel hurt, angry and bitter. When we say to this person, " I love you," what we really mean is, "I love the pleasure you give me."

3. At the third level, we "love" the other because he or she, in some way, affirms us, perhaps by obeying us, needing us, agreeing with us, or praising us. If this changes, our feelings change. We need this person in order to feel our power or self worth.

4. At the fourth level, we begin for the first time to experience selfless love for a person regardless of how he or she behaves. There is still, however, the condition that this is a specific person, usually a child or parent. We love this person even if he or she doesn’t provide us with security, satisfaction or affirmation, but we do not feel this for all persons.

5. Then at the fifth level, we begin to feel universal selfless love in which we love more and more people unconditionally, regardless of how they behave. At this level, we are often motivated to participate in some type of social work serving those in need.

6. At the sixth level, we experience spiritual love where our love is for the soul that is temporarily expressing itself through the personality. We are not attached to the personality and are not fearful concerning its various changing states, including death, for we realize that the body and personality are not the real being, but simply instruments of expression.

7. At the level of divine love, we no longer experience separateness from anyone. We are the consciousness in all beings around us. There is the experience of total unity with all. Jesus Christ was experiencing this Divine love when he said, "I am in you and you are in me. I am in the Father and the Father is in me."

As this subject is covered in detail in the books The Psychology of Happiness, and the Miracles of Love and Wisdom, we will present here a few of the questionnaires that can enable us to clarify and overcome our obstacles to love.

From the book "Relationships of Conscious Love"
by Robert Elias Najemy

Robert Elias Najemy, a life coach with 30 years of experience, is the author of over 20 books, 600 articles and 400 lectures on Human Harmony. Download wonderful ebooks, 100's of free articles, courses, and mp3 audio lectures at Find 8 of his books at

Views: 12771
Send to a friend